Someone told me recently that even when good things are happening, remember to take care of yourself. Some of you may be thinking, that’s kind of odd. Why would you need to take care of yourself? Life is taking care of you. You should be basking in all the joy, the love, the beauty - oh, the list goes on.
Well, I can tell you that is all very true but what is also true is that shit can and will hit the fan, for some of you.
Oh the comradery is so strong! Don’t get me wrong, this is a dark, dark place; what is different though is you have a sense of belonging with your trauma. You don’t feel so alone because you know this trauma, you know what they are going to say, think, and feel. You’ve been through it all together and you’ll always have each other.
Now, when you are strong, fierce, and brave, that same trauma is PISSED. It turns into your anchor. Holding you down as your heavy reminder of who you are, who the trauma expects you to be. It says, you cannot forget about me - I was here on your darkest days and by the way, you still aren’t worthy.
You have this sense of confusion, frustration, anger, and you feel lost. And to top it off, not only are you experiencing all these things, plus whatever joy is currently happening, but you are also seeing the trauma more clearly than you ever have before. You can see that trauma for what it truly is and yet, you can’t let go. It’s part of you and even though you are so very strong right now, there is still a tiny bit of doubt in you that believes this trauma. There is a bit of truth that the trauma holds.
There are a lot of things running through your head and your heart is full of so many emotions - making you feel stuck and more alone than you ever have before. It’s a confusing place to be and it’s a confusing place for others to understand.
I think I’m at this place right now.
Right here, right now, as I’m writing this - I don’t know what the exact answer is yet. I mean, I kind of do - I know that I need to sit here with this for a while because it’s not going anywhere. The answer for sure is not to ignore it. I’ve tried that and it comes back with a vengeance and bites you in the ass, so check that one off the list of things not to try. I think this trauma and part of me needs a little care and a little attention. Have you tried that?
For now, let’s try sitting with it - not forever but for now. And remember, we are not what has happened to us.